A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
