maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
