Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
