I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
