I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
