wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
