I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
