Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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