i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
