News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
