I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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