I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
