i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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