I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
