i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
