You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
