Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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