you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
