She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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