If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
