I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
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I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize