why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
