I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
