Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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