new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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