Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Don't tell me you're on acid again
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
tell me about the eggs
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
