I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
