i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
