After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
