Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
