and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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