I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
