How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
