i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
