Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I looked at my own cervix.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
