The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize