There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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