I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sext me about skeletons
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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