You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
