Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
