My first STD was from a foam party
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
