the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
