i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
