I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
