So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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