I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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