It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
