My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
