the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
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So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize