I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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