i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize