"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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