I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
