Michael Bay diarrhea
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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