Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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