but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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