I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
