I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
