two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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