i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
