I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
