dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
